The Daily NewzX — a note from our Editor, Pat Cleaver

You may be wondering who we are. We wonder that sometimes too. The Daily NewzX has been around for over 80 years, and we definitely didn’t pull that number from a hat. Since day two of our publication, we have prided ourselves on two things: integrity and some other thing we lost in the fire of 1954 and haven’t found since. We’re still looking for that. Our resident historian, Jim Harrison, claims he’s really close on figuring out what we lost in the fire. He thought it was grammar for a space, but now he’s not sure.

So just who are we?

We are the news but more eXtreme.

We deliver the news quickly, efficiently, and through a coffee filter. We come at the news like a python in heat. Like an overbearing ex who just won’t stop texting.

Unlike mainstream and corporate media, we pride ourselves on having not just one but two billionaire CEOs. If you only have one, your journalistic integrity takes a hit — just ask The Washington Post. Unlike the Other Guys™️, we do not use Generative AI for anything. We write all our news stories — actually just Bluesky posts — on sticky notes with a Sharpie. We do use the Signal messaging app like many modern day journalists, but we only (occasionally) accidentally include politicians in the group chat and not reporters at The Atlantic. That would be ridiculous and a totally fireable offence. Please refer to Section 2.16 of the employee handbook, Sally Pinkerton. And no, it doesn’t matter that he’s your boyfriend.

House cleaning: Pete Hegseth please stop midnight booty texting us while you’re drunk. If we have to look at one more NSFW photo of your tattoos, we will get more annoyed. Please, god, stop.

What you can expect from The Daily NewzX?

Honesty. Even if it’s made up.

Integrity. Even if it’s slimey.

Paywalls AND intrusive ads. This is journalism not a mechanism for informing the public and holding power to account.

In-depth reporting. Most of our reporting takes us into places where we are in over our heads.

Nuanced editorials. We’re not sure what this means, but for now we’re calling it “both sides have a point about that genocide and other egregious civil rights abuses and war crimes.” Not sure what that means? Read the New York Times.

You may be wondering if this is satire. Yeah. Probably.

Signed,